I will always love sharing fun and laughter over a lunch with anyone. Yet, in recent years, I have shared with several close friends that I have come to realize that I would much rather share in a conversation over a meal with someone in the midst of a failure rather than with someone experiencing great success. No doubt there is more fun and laughter in the second scenario than in the first. It’s just that the first scenario is always more meaningful.
When I would share this observation with others, I would get mixed reactions. No doubt some of those reactions were shared with me and then again, I’m sure, some kept those reactions to themselves! When I would share this observation, there was still something inside of me that felt it wasn’t totally true – or that it was only partially correct. Recently, I figured out why. It wasn’t that I was drawn to conversations of failure … it was that I was drawn to conversations where people were lost in the “in-between.”
They were in a time of transition.
No doubt, failure is the great set-up for transition … which is why failure is never the end. Transition is a doorway to a new beginning. Failure has its way of giving, even the blinded, the eyes to see that it’s time to change something. So, yes, several of those meaningful lunches were at a time of someone’s failure – or at least at a point of overwhelming struggle.
What we can miss, though, is that all of us are always in the midst of a transition. We are always evolving. We are always changing. It’s just that it is in the very intense moments that most are willing to actually pay attention to the transition that is always in play. It’s in those moments that even the most blinded can see that there is no choice but to pay attention.
I have always admired and recommended the great insights William Bridges shared in his book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. William sets-up the process of transition in a linear fashion of Endings, the Neutral Zone and New Beginnings. He also warns that it’s never sequential, but rather ebbs back-and-forth along the way. It is a beautiful model through which to process, understand and live through any specific change in life – whether that change is perceived as a positive or negative transition. Perhaps it is graduation from college, a job change, a geographic relocation, a new marriage, the birth of a child, a sudden divorce, or the death of someone deeply meaningful in your life.
Bridges’ model is like a breath of fresh air in helping one in transition realize, that most often, the struggle is simply a bad case of normal … affirming that what I’m experiencing should be expected – and then expected to eventually pass. Yet, there is still a problem. This model unintentionally conditions us to be outcome focused … to get to the other side of transition as if the transition is something to be overcome rather than to be embraced. It also conditions us to see transition as an event instead of a constant way of life.
Everything is in transition. Simultaneously. Always.
Everything about you and everything about me … everything about everything … is always in a constant state of change. It is the very essence of life. How might it change one’s experience in life if they realized that every single present moment is the state of some in-between. Not just in one aspect of my life, but every aspect of my life – and everything that I know, that I experience, that I see – everything is in-between in a constant state of evolution. It is precisely why every ending is the dawning of a new beginning – and every new beginning is the onset for an ending to eventually manifest itself. I would suggest, while this may seem a bit obvious, most rarely come to recognize it.
This raises some practical questions:
- How much energy do I spend in trying to hold-on to what is inevitably changing?
- How much time do I waste worrying that something might change when, in fact, it certainly will?
- How much resistance do I apply to what is meant to be for my own good?
- How much illusion do I embrace to ensure my life seems stable and steady?
- How much truth eludes me when I don’t embrace life as a flowing existence?
What if we embraced life as a flowing river rather than rigid grids, models or formulae of attachments and expectations? Would it feel less exclusive and more inclusive? Less expectation and more anticipation? Less assumption yet more awe and wonder? Perhaps rather than holding-on, we would more likely be building-on.
And as if dealing with one transition at a time wasn’t enough! Transitions are multiple, simultaneous and even more importantly … interwoven within ourselves and with others. So goes a version of the interconnectedness of the science of quantum entanglement!
Life is going to have moments of change that are indeed painful. Haruki Murakami, the Dalai Lama and others name it well through an old Buddhist saying:
Pain is inevitable: Suffering is optional.
How much suffering is created because we refuse to acknowledge the constant state of the “in-between” within each present moment. So much suffering is amplified when we try to force our way back to an inferior past or pretend our way to a non-present future.
I want to be clear: this isn’t a narrative about how anything goes – a default rationalization for justifying power and control rather than living in the messiness of the “in-between.” This is about how everything flows. Building dams in our life may appear harmless on the surface, yet likely cause systemic damage in ways that we will never fully know. Resisting the flow is much like holding yourself hostage while crushing the potential inside.
If I came to accept and even embrace each inevitable transition as a natural gift, how much less frustration, suffering and trauma could there be in my life – in the whole world?
In practical terms, you might take a walk and intentionally notice various things along the way. Assess how the particulars of what you see are in a constant state of change. Often, it’s easier to accept transition around us before accepting it within us. Then it might be helpful to start a list of every personal transition of which you currently have an awareness. Perhaps it might help to assess just how much resistance you’re applying to each of them – and ultimately discern how to best begin to step into the flow of each transition on your list. Don’t let your list overwhelm you – rather, let it invite you to let-go and step into the reality of the flow.
In the Christian tradition, the celebration of the Paschal Mystery of Easter is upon us. If you really think about it, William Bridges’ framework of transition perfectly models this mystery: Ending, Neutral Zone and New Beginnings. It also serves as a perfect example to reveal how we don’t want to reside in the ‘in-between.” On Good Friday, I have often cringed at the social media post: No worries because Sunday is coming! (Editor’s note: please don’t crucify me here … I know what you mean!). But isn’t that just like us to want to get to the outcome without the beautiful transformation of sitting, waiting, and reflecting upon the wisdom of the “in-between.” It strikes me that we would more gracefully honor the Christian tradition in the humility of becoming more of a Saturday people.
In the end, you may come to realize that you are never in the middle of anything – you are simply in the flow of everything. Maybe in an artistic way, Tina Turner captured the art of being “in-between” in the lyrics of Proud Mary: you are just Rolling on the River!
As always, I’D LOVE to hear your comments, insights, and wisdom. Please SHARE BELOW.
I agree, John, that the liminal space is always here, always now, and always an opportunity to experience the Divine presence within and around us!!
Mary Jo … thank you for sharing … and for being a friend in those liminal spaces! Grateful for you … and for you sitting on the porch again this month!
I think I’ve been in a world of transition this entire year. It’s very difficult to accept it as a gift. I don’t take well to change and do know I must accept this. My world has been turned upside down. I know that one day the change that’s inevitable will set in. I will find my way but for now I am in between. I have a strong faith and that will pull me through. It’s a struggle but worth it.
I loved this article. It is a good reminder that change can be good vs. bad, accepting vs. resisting takes awareness and reflection. The in between is constant….in between improving yourself, setting professional goals for yourself, transitioning to something new, moving on, dealing with COVID life for the last 2 years, etc. Great article to make you think!
Jennifer … great to hear from you! Thank you for sitting on the porch and sharing. I’m so glad you found this month’s focus to be meaningful and for sharing what stirred within you as you read it. Great thoughts for sure!
Hello John,
Thanks for your latest edition of thought provoking articles!
Here are some thoughts about your initial premise.
A conversation with “someone experiencing great success” tends to be a little self-centered and include elements of bragging.
Whereas, a conversation with “someone in the midst of failure” (transition), in my experience, tends to be more authentic, vulnerable and humble.
That’s why I side with you about how transition conversations require more patience, listening and empathy on my part to really connect with the suffering person in a more loving way.
Rick … great ponderings for sure! No doubt a meaningful conversation is exactly how you described it … authentic, vulnerable and humble. I like those fun and light conversations that we have too! Both/And at play again! 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
Beautiful conversation starter, John – wish I were on the Front Porch with you to explore further. So thankful we can thrive on Good Fridays, being on this side of the Resurrection.
Mark … thanks for pulling up a chair on this virtual porch! YES! Looking forward to a day we can pull-up a chair on a porch and have another one of our meaningful conversations. In the meantime, thank you for pulling-up a chair on this porch!
Seems kind of like one of those “in-betweens”, like “is light a wave or a particle?”. Depends on how it’s observed. Form and motion seem complimentary, and one doesn’t exist without the other. Who’s watching all this, anywho?
Steve … thanks for sharing. You have my head spinning! 🙂 Which is precisely what allows the in-between to teach and flow. Thank you for sitting on “the porch” and sharing your insights to continue to stir our thinking!